A new door...

Wow, I can't believe I neglected this journal for so long. It was one that helped me put all my tangled thoughts into something that made sense. I do have to say, that part of that was because my email got hijacked, and I created a new one. Along with that came the fear of a "stolen identity", so I quickly reset the passwords to all my online accounts. In the midst of changing, I lost track of this account. But alas, I am back. I am here to write my jumbled thoughts, and to continue on my journey of finding myself, while giving 90% to those around me.
As of late, I have been craving for something to make me feel as though I am progressing in this world. As a stay at home mom, I don't exactly have a "corporate ladder" to climb, with a goal of a view from the top. I need something in my life to feel that I am headed somewhere, other than the room where my youngsters are throwing food like confetti.
I have made some new goals for my "bucket list of 2011". I am trying to publish my children's book, continue building my photography business, and eventually have a studio in home.
Picking up where I left off, I made a few phone calls to see if what hoops I would have to jump through to be able to take one last slide at the bobtrack, and let's just say they wanted an arm and a leg. Since I need all four of the ones I have to keep up with my kids, I've put my sled up for sale.
I have mixed emotions about seeing it go, but one of my new resolves is to stop doing the things I am good at, and focus on the things I am GREAT at. I just finished a book aptly named "Aspire", by Kevin Hall, and one of the things that inspired me was that line. I was good at skeleton, but I wasn't great at it. And with closing a door, I am looking forward to the one that will soon be opened. Though I am sure no one is reading this page anymore, just in case I had a couple devout followers, I hope that you all will be able to find what you are GREAT at in 2011.
Until next time, which will be later this week...
I have to say I have always loved writing, so this is something I am going to pursue. I promise to be better at keeping this up to date.

{Hi-Ho Silver...... the rocking horse}

After a long break in posts, due to a computer virus, I'm back and feeling like I am 'almost' ready for 'my final answer'. I've struggled as of late, feeling like a rocking horse, going back and forth without really getting anywhere. I remembered something that my mom told me a long time ago... I'm feeling old today, so it was really only a few years ago. She said, "Sometimes when we are searching for an answer, and we feel that we aren't getting one, that is most often the answer." I have been wondering as of late, if I have been fighting the answer instead of accepting what it was. In an eternal aspect of things, I would trade any gold medals to have my brother back. However, I wouldn't take anything in return for the things I have learned and the people I've met since he passed. A gold medal lasts for 17 some odd days, your family, and the memories, are forever.
So, I've come to a semi-final decision. I'm going to compete one last time, this upcoming winter, and just race at Park City's track. I'm not going to travel anywhere. I'll just compete at the regionals race and PCity's version of the Winter X Games. Then, I can say that I finished well, and I'll have photos of my two boys with me at the finish line, hopefully on the podium. I'll know then, after having done it again, what I'm willing to sacrifice most.

{Moments}

As usual, I sit here at my computer tonight, with thoughts blaring in my head. I want to feel at ease, to feel peace..I want to know I am making the right decision.
Tonight was our wards mutual night, and I was asked to do a 'skeleton demo' night for our girls. I took my sled, my helmet, shoes, and my POV (point of view) DVD with me to the church, and walked the girls through the technicalities of the sport. I even let the girls lay on my sled and watch through a helmet cam, what it looks like to go 85+ mph, only inches from the ice. As I gave the demonstration, laying on my sled for the first time in 3 1/2 years, I felt all the emotions come rushing back in again. I wanted to run... I wanted to fly down an icy track and throw caution to the wind. I wanted the thrill of competition. For a moment, my head took me back to the top of the track, listening to the thumping of my heart as I closed the visor on my helmet, took one last breath, then ran for all I was worth and dove onto my sled. I could feel the chill of the ice as I gained greater and greater speed.. watching everything become a blur. There was no sound. Everything around me disappeared.
Then I opened my eyes to a room full of girls waiting and watching.... how long had I been dreaming?
I drove home, once again feeling the desire to start training again, to start competing.
Then I walked through my front door. My two boys turned and smiled the biggest smiles, just for me. My oldest ran into my arms, and my baby army crawled as quickly as he could, then wriggled with excitement as I picked him up and kissed him on the cheek. We went through our nightly routines of splash wars in the tub, chasing each other around the house, and blowing 'zurbits' on baby brothers belly. We laughed and giggled until bedtime. Then my oldest and I read stories, said prayers and kissed goodnight. I fed the baby, snuggled with him, then laid himd down for bed. As I was walking back across the house, shutting off lights, my oldest asked me to come back in his room. He said, "I just want you to snuggle with me. Just don't leave." I climbed in next to him, and tickled his back until his eyes shut. Then as I quietly crawled off his bed, he snuggled down into his blankets and whispered, "Thank you Mommy. Luff you."
Two moments, both gold medal worthy, I'll never forget.
Now, I am going to go crawl into my bed, next to my already sleeping hubby, and wonder. Which reward will be greater in the end.... a gold medal hung around my neck? Or those moments that will never be forgotten, but could be missed?
Which am I willing to miss?

Ali vs. Harold

I just watched the skeleton finals and medal ceremonies again for the second time, and once again, it's left me with mixed feelings. As always, when I am at a fork in the road, I make a list of pro's and con's, hoping that it will help me to make a decision.

Pro's:
*I would have fulfilled a dream.
*I would be able to give my children an example of hard work, dedication and determination.
*My parents and now my husband, would be able to say that all the sacrifices they made for me to compete were worth it.

Con's:
*The next four years would be spent training and spending the winter months, [Oct. -Mar.] travelling and being away from my kids and husband.

*It costs a lot of money to travel, because it's not a sponsored team sport. You have to travel out of your own pocket, all over the world, in one short season. [Austria, Germany, Canada, New York, etc...]

**The above also effects the financial stress of my family, in buying a house, putting money away for college and missions, etc... Building a stable future for our family. (If I could win the lottery, they could just travel with me.)


As I watched the finals and the medal ceremonies, I felt the rush of knowing that I could be there one day.. then within minutes felt the crushing weight of the financial burden it would put upon my family. I felt myself trying to negotiate it all in my own head, and immediately remembered this quote. One that my brother loved.

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given, than explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It is an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It is a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing." - Muhammed Ali

My brother did the impossible. He set a goal in November to compete and end his senior wrestling season undefeated, as well as win the state championships. He did just that. He wrestled and broke the 2A state pinning record, and finished his season undefeated 41-0, and won the state championship match. No small feat. I remeber all of this, and feel motivated to start training. Then within minutes, felt another quote pop into my already racing mind.

"The greatest work you will ever do, will be within the walls of your own home."- Harold B. Lee

Which lesson am I supposed to teach my children? The one of determination and never letting go of your dreams? Or that great sacrifice leads to an even greater reward? Was my brother sent here to teach me the lesson of 'Impossible'? Or was he here to teach it to my children, so that I may teach them the lessons of sacrifice and priorities?

Again, I will lay awake in bed, trying to tame and slow my racing thoughts, just enough so that I can get a few hours of sleep.

Can't I just sit down with Harold and Muhammed and have them help me figure this out?

{Change and Challenge..}

After a nice relaxing weekend, I am feeling refreshed, but still lost. Is there a way to continue on my journey, crossing off my "bucket list" as I go, without putting my dreams before my family? I've decided that it would be much easier if were a)a man, b)rich. Sixty percent of olympic athletes are men. Of the 40%, I feel the majority of women athletes are younger. Single, newly married and not mothers. It seems that most who are [mothers], are retiring to be with their children. Is it too late in the game? Is it time for me to CHANGE my dream? I have, after all, been able to still continue crossing things off my list... travelling to Australia, Germany, Canada, Meixco, skydiving, and competing in an olympic sport. And, I have many more things I can still cross off. Is it time to cross skeleton/competing at the Olympics off my list? Or, is this one of those challenges, that is put in your life to make the success so much sweeter?












Anyone have one of these I can borrow?

Midlife Crisis? Syndrome?

To me, there isn't one huge crisis that we hit in our late 30-40's, it's something we do again and again throughout our lives. I believe, that we all have 'midlife crisis' syndrome. From rearranging the furniture in our house, to buying that new outfit, or starting a new hobby that makes us feel young again. We set goals for ourselves, such as running a marathon, or going back to school. As humans, we constantly need change in our lives, and that need is either fulfilled or it continues to grow. Sometimes, it gets so big, it begins to change relationships. After all, as couples, you can either grow together, or you grow apart. So here is my question today... how do {you} tackle your 'midlife crisis syndrome'?